Tasbeeh, your write is good for just starting out. You paint pictures well and convey your thoughts in a manner that is easy to follow. You should probably try to use fewer words and focus on the MOST important aspects of your story b/c reader's attention span are so short these days.

Ayo Awosika has a writing group that would probably be perfect for you to join to get better.

Email me (ken@kenmmiddleton.com...don't miss the second M in the email), and I'll intro you two if you're interested.

Keep up the great work!